There are few things we do better as a nation than creating awesomely dumb fast-food monstrosities. It’s not enough to have a greasy cheeseburger– we have to sandwich it between two Krispy Kremes. As Mark Twain once said, there is nothing that can’t be made better with the addition of cheese and/or bacon. (Well, he would have said that if he had ever tasted a Triple Baconator.)

It doesn’t matter that these fat, sodium, and calorie bombs are expanding our waistlines and lining the pockets of greedy health insurance fat cats. We demand ever more extravagant culinary delights. “You are dead to us, Big Mac!,” we bellow, or we would bellow if years of fried cheese and Cinnabon consumption hadn’t weakened our vocal cords. Luckily, the fast food giants are more than happy to devise increasingly ridiculous menu items for us to shove down our collective gullets. Check out ten of the dumbest fast food monstrosities past and present. (It should be noted that while we think these monstrous creations are dumb, we’d still try pretty much all of them. Well, maybe not the lobster pizza.)

1. Wendy’s Triple Baconator While Wendy’s tries to be the lesser of the fast food devils, occasionally a lethal bacon bomb slips through at the empire that Dave Thomas built and then named after his daughter. Consisting of three burger patties, three slices of cheese, and NINE slices of bacon, the Triple Baconator is one of the most trans-fattiest burgers in a nation full of trans-fatty burgers. Like it’s big screen namesake, the Baconator is clearly a robot from the future sent to eradicate the human race one delicious bite at a time.

2. Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger While other fast food chains have incorporated salads and other vageuly healthy items into their menus, Hardee’s has launched a full-out assault on America’s cholestrol level. Weighing in at 1,320 calories and 95 grams of fat, the 2/3lb Monster Thickburger is both a meal and an attack to one’s manhood. “Are you man enough to clog your arteries with two 2/3lb slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, and three slices of cheese? C’mon, ya pansy! Eat it!” Basically it’s the burger equivalent of the bully from the old comic book ad who kicks sand in the wimpy dude’s face. Of course, Hardee’s didn’t stop at just one abomination of fast food engineering. There’s the Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger, the Bacon Cheese Thickburger, the Frisco Thickburger on sourdough…Sorry, just had a massive coronary for a second there.

3. Friendly’s Caramel Cinnamon Swirl French Toast Who wants dessert for breakfast??? Order this mountain of ridiculous and you’ll get a cinnamon roll stuffed with cream cheese and ice cream. Yes, please! What’s that? It’s topped off with whipped cream and hot caramel? Why would you add more? You had us at cream cheese-stuffed cinnamon roll. Please stop. Oh God. We can see the light. Grandma? Is that you?

4. Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich The name of this short-lived Burger King breakfast sandwhich is nothing if not on-the-nose. All you had to do was walk into a BK and say, “Uh, give me, like, an enormous omelet sandwich” and you got an enormous omelet sandwich. The controversial sandwich (which is no longer available in America) also came in the porn-y sounding Meat’normous version which had the unfortunate tagline, “Wake up to a mouthful of breakfast.”

5. Taco Bell Fully Loaded Taco Salad Notice how many words there are before “salad” in this product. That’s a lot of qualifiers for what is ostensibly a healthier lunch option than the Chalupa. But at nearly a 1,000 calories, the fully loaded salad (which comes in Chicken Fiesta and Steak Fiesta varities) is one of the least-healthy items on the Taco Bell menu. (It’s a fiesta, if your defintion of a fiesta is recycled taco toppings and a general feeling of regret.) At 770 calories and 1420mg of sodium, the Chicken Fully Loaded Salad beats even the Cheese Double Beef Burrito on the belt-busting scale. Use this factoid the next time your snooty coworker acts all superior for ordering the salad during office Taco Bell runs.

6. KFC Double Down KFC made headlines last year when it unleashed a chicken, cheese, and bacon “sandwich” that was clearly invented by a stoned teenager. (”What if the chicken was the bread??? Whoa! My hands are like diamonds!”) As further proof that we are all doomed, the Double Down, which offers a tasty 540 calories and 1,380 milligrams of sodium, is actually not the unhealthiest item on the KFC menu. So enjoy your Double Down confident in the knowledge that the sucker gorging on a KFC Famous Bowl (680 calories, 2,130mgs of sodium) will meet his maker slightly faster than you.

7. Uno Chicago Grill Lobster BLT Thin Crust Pizza Congrats, Uno. Even the name of this one induces our gag reflex. If mixing the most high-brow of seafood with cheap thin crust pizza at a restaurant that specifically sells deep dish is your thing, then get ready for 1,530 calories and a whopping 87 grams of fat. What will Uno think of next? Perhaps a foie gras-flavored cheesy bread? Actually, that sounds like a great idea. Back off, Uno! That one’s ours.

8. Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt Basically the Turducken of grilled cheese sandwiches, Denny’s Fried Cheese melt is a grilled cheese sandwich stuffed with four deep-fried mozzarella sticks. This ain’t your daddy’s grilled cheese!  Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt takes boring old grilled cheese out behind the woodshed and shoots it in the face.

9. Quiznos Tuna Melt Combo While this tuna sandwich might sound harmless, it was actually voted the least healthiest fast food menu item by “Men’s Health” in 2010. At 1,900 calories, the editors of “Men’s Health” say that consuming the Tuna Melt combo is the equivalent of gorging on an entire bag of Chip’s Ahoy cookies. (Why anyone outside of a depressed Cookie Monster or the Epic Meal Time guys would ever do that is another question entirely.) Even worse, the tuna melt value meal comes with a bag of Cheetos. Which is Quiznos’ way of saying, “We know you don’t want the side salad, fatty.”

10. Domino’s Three Cheese Mac-N-Cheese Bread Bowl Pasta From cheesy breadsticks to breadsticks with more, uh, bread, Domino’s is on a perpetual mission to develop new, increasingly revolting ways to recycle pizza dough. In 2009, Domino’s realized that the concept of bread bowls had been around for a while, and decided to stuff cheap pasta inside a wad of dough and market it to stoners and overworked parents who need a quick dinner for their screaming urchins. Of all of these carb-o-load monstrosities, the Mac-N-Cheese Bread Bowl has got to be the most disgusting. As Kevin on “The Office” once said, eating a Domino’s Bread Bowl is akin to consuming a hot circle of garbage. Lately, Domino’s has given up on developing new products entirely, devoting their considerable marketing powers to pushing their new-and-improved pizza pie. Dominos: the only fast-food chain that can’t even get the product in their name right.